


Peter and Wade's Wild Ride

by greenteeth



Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Comic Book Science, Deadpool being Deadpool, Fluff and Humor, Gen, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Jack-o'-lanterns, Pigeons, Tony is judging Peter's life choices, Very large Pigeons, Villain of the Week, it made sense at the time, pumpkin pail
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-25
Updated: 2020-10-25
Packaged: 2021-03-08 22:03:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,179
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27193508
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/greenteeth/pseuds/greenteeth
Summary: Tony watched the footage. Peter stood next to him, head buried in his hands. Tony glanced at him.“It was Wade’s fault.”“I completely believe that.”
Relationships: Peter Parker & Tony Stark, Peter Parker & Wade Wilson
Comments: 6
Kudos: 108





	Peter and Wade's Wild Ride

**Author's Note:**

> Pigeons might get hurt in this story. It's unclear. Seriously, Wade does a few things that might injury the pigeons but it's never followed up on in the story so I prefer to assume that the pigeons are all fine.

Tony watched the footage. Peter stood next to him, head buried in his hands. Tony glanced at him. 

“It was Wade’s fault.” 

“I completely believe that.” 

“We were having lunch.” 

Tony side-eyed him. “You what, went to a Taco Bell?” 

“Sort of. There’s this taco truck that uses ghost peppers in their sauce. We get tacos from there and eat nearby.” 

“Right, lunch with Deadpool.” 

Peter looked at him. 

“I know I’m not allowed to judge your life choices as Spider-Man. I’m just…” 

“Totally judging my life choices as Spider-Man?”

Tony gestured at the screen in front of them. 

“Fine.” 

“So point A,” Tony pointed at the screen. “Point B.” 

“Well, that’s more like point F. So we were eating and I had my mask up.” Peter mimed flipping the fabric of his mask up over his nose. “Then there was this pigeon.” Peter tried to come up with something to say other than “I lost. It flew away with my mask. I couldn’t exactly go swinging after it with nothing to cover my face.”

“Where was Deadpool when you were getting beaten up by a pigeon?” Tony asked. 

“I think he was finding his pom-poms. By the time he found them the pigeon had flown away.” 

Tony sucked in a breath looking at the ceiling. “Not judging, moving on.” 

“He said he would find me another mask. He was being helpful.” 

Tony gave a slow nod. He gestured at the screen. “So he found you a Jack o’ Lantern.” 

“No, yes, sorta. He jumped off the roof laughing, something about babies and always wanting an excuse.” 

“Well that’s terrifying.” 

Peter grimaced. “He came back with one of those plastic pumpkins for trick or treating. Dumped all the candy out and put it on my head.” 

“There’s some very disappointed, very confused kid out there, isn’t there?” 

Peter winced. “Yeah, probably. But he didn’t hurt anyone.” 

“I will give him that. How did you go from a fake pumpkin to a real pumpkin?” 

“Well, after we put some holes in the pumpkin and finished lunch, I was heading back here. And Wade said he wanted to hitch a ride.” 

Tony twitched. “Do I need to put a hit out on him? I know it won’t stick but he needs to understand boundaries.” 

“He was a perfect gentleman.” Peter paused his honest nature apparently getting the better of him. “He was a gentleman. He didn’t say anything explicit, at least.” 

“So, you’re swinging here, carrying Deadpool piggy-back, with an upside down plastic pumpkin on your head.” 

“Then I saw the pigeon.” 

“The one that stole your mask?”

“Yep.” 

“How could you tell?” 

“It was a very distinct pigeon.” 

“Honest to god, I can’t tell if you are joking right now.” 

“Mostly.” Peter grinned. “I saw the mask in its nest. Along with some cheap bead necklaces, a piñata, and a taxi bumper.” 

“How?” 

“Exactly. So I thought we would stop and take a look.” 

Tony nodded. “You’re supposed to check in before checking out anything suspicious.” Tony pointed out for form’s sake. 

“Comm is in the mask, and you refuse to give Wade an Avengers’ commlink.” 

Tony grimaced then shook his head. “Nope, still not giving him one.” 

“Anyway, we went to look at the nest and there was this green glowing gravel at the bottom of it.” 

“Please, tell me....” 

“I didn’t touch them.” Peter said. Then added. “Wade may have licked them.”

“Of course.” 

“He didn’t recognize the taste, so we decided to take samples.” 

Tony stared straight ahead. 

“The pumpkin was the only thing that would really make a good carrier for the gravel. And the piñata was right there. So…”

“What shape was the piñata?” Tony asked. 

“It was one of those Hulk Face ones they have at supermarkets. With the really unflattering frown.” 

“The reports of a very skinny hulk running around were you?” 

“Yeah.” 

“Bruce will be relieved. This still doesn’t explain how you got a jack o’ lantern on your head.” 

“Right, so we had the gravel and were swinging back when the pigeon came back, with his older brothers. Well they could have been sisters. How do you tell boy pigeon’s from girl pigeons?” 

“Eggs?” Tony suggested.

“That’s exactly what Wade said. He said it right before he jumped off and tried to ride the biggest pigeon so I don’t know if it was an answer or he wanted eggs.” 

“Is there any chance the bird was big enough to carry him? I feel like that would have made the news. He would have buzzed the tower.” 

“Not really. It was kind of a controlled descent. I didn’t see it all. When he jumped off I almost splatted into a building. He landed in the park by the coffee shop you like. There was a bit of a fight and he got the pigeon in a headlock.” 

“As you do.” Tony said. 

“I hit the ground by then and I thought I could web the pigeon up and we would bring it back here.” 

“For future reference take the murder pigeons to SHIELD. Don’t bring them here.” 

“Fair.” 

“So what happened next?” 

“I tried to web it up but Wade is ‘Wily and unpredictable.’”

“I mean that’s true, but he shouldn’t say it.” 

“The bird whacked him with a wing and Wade did this flippy thing. And long story short, the pigeon got webbed to Deadpool and, umm, tried to peck his eyes out.” 

“Right.” 

“So Wade started running around trying to get the bird off. And he went through the coffee shop window, which upset everyone.” 

“I’m never going to be able to go there again, am i?” 

“You should be fine. Bruce though might have trouble.” Peter added with a wince. “I thought the easiest way to get Wade out of the shop was to web him and pull him out. But the webbing got kind of twisted and I got dragged in and ended up sliding across the counter. Then Wade realized how sticky the webbing was and started running into people shouting Katamari Damashi.” 

“I’m I allowed to judge now?” Tony asked. 

“No.” 

“Carry on.” 

“I got Deadpool out of the coffee place but he still had a lot of crap stuck to him.” 

“Including the pigeon?”

“Including the pigeon. We got up to a roof where I thought we could get things under control.” 

Tony snorted. 

Peter sighed and nodded. “We got the pigeon wrangled. And most of the stuff off him. But the Hulk pinata had a big hole in it so I had to find something else. And one of the bags from the coffee shop stuck to Deadpool. And.” Peter shrugged. “Beggars can’t be choosers.” 

“We’re redesigning your mask to be pigeon proof tonight.” 

“Anyway, I realized we had lost the green glowing gravel during the fight with the pigeon. And we couldn’t just leave that lying around.” 

“Of course, what if a rat found it, or some baby turtles.” Tony agreed.

Peter looked at him blankly. “Sure. So we go back to look for the pumpkin pail. We have to be careful though because the cops are starting to show up. We see his guy picking up the pail.”

“Any chance he was a concerned citizen who would hand over the ominously glowing rocks to his friendly neighborhood Spider-Man.” 

“No. Well, probably not. Wade yelled ‘Hey, shifty. There with the pumpkin’ at him and the man took off running. So probably a crook.” Peter frowned. “Or maybe just a reaction to Deadpool screaming and waving a large pigeon at him.” 

“You still had the pigeon?” Tony asked. 

“Yeah, we didn’t want to leave it there. It could have…” 

“Done all sorts of nefarious pigeon things.” Tony sighed. “No, it really would have probably done some horrible pigeon things. Carry on.” 

“We cornered the guy in an alley and I went in to ask him for the pumpkin pail. And he’s like ‘who the hell are you?’ which, Rude. And Deadpool yelled out ‘he’s the Bombastic Bag Man’.” 

“Just to be clear, the Bombastic Bag Man isn’t some new petty villain that’s going to be a pain in our collective asses. It's just you and Deadpool Thelma and Louise-ing it up.” 

Peter nodded. 

“Friday, cancel the file we started on the Bombastic Bag Man. Actually add it to Peter’s known alias list.”

“Done, boss.” 

Tony gestured for Peter to continue. 

Peter frowned but continued. “He asked me who I was a bagman for. And Wade hit him with the pigeon. He got the pumpkin pail away from him and we got up to the roof again. And I mean I think we have things under control.” 

“Was the guy hurt?”

“No, he was cussing Wade out very clearly, articulately, when we left.” 

“And the pigeon?” 

“I think so, and that kind of became a problem. We’re on the roof and the sky starts getting darker. At first I thought it was a cloud passing in front of the sun but it kept getting darker. And it’s pigeons lots and lots of pigeons. Mostly the small ones but some as big as the one we caught and a few even bigger. One of the big ones lands in front of us and this guy gets off of it.” 

“He was riding it?”

“Yep, he had a saddle and a harness. He was even wearing riding goggles.” 

“You know we have a lot of weirdos running around in customs. But I’m still surprised by what people come up with.”

“He stands there in front of us.” Peter sighed.

“He started monologuing?”

“Yeah, he’s the pigeon lord and pigeons are the most wonderful species and they will replace mankind as the dominant life on the planet. And he will help them achieve that dream. And Wade tells him that his pigeons are thieves and thugs. And shakes the pigeon we caught at him.” 

“That go over well?”

“Like a lead balloon. His pigeon hoard starts dropping things on us.” 

“Things?” Tony asked, sniffing suspiciously. 

“Yes, like I saw three traffic cones, a bunch of candy wrappers, soda bottles, cardboard boxes, I think there was a cat. Deadpool got hit with a park bench. And the pigeon lord was going on about recycling and capitalism and how his pigeons weren’t bound by the laws of the land.”

“Is there a law of the sky? Would the pigeons obey air traffic control?” Tony wondered.

“It didn’t come up. I noticed that there were green glowing stones on the straps of his goggles. And you know Clint’s motto, ‘when in doubt, shoot the glow-y thing.’” 

“Webbing?” 

“No, too many pigeons flying around. I thought I could grab them off his head.” 

“Didn’t work?” Tony asked.

“Sort of. I got a hold of them. But he was faster. He got hold of my bag and he had his phone out so fast. He said if I tried to take his goggles he would rip the bag off my head and post the picture of my face to twitter.”

“He didn’t get a picture did he?” 

“No, we stood there for like a minute then Wade shoved a pumpkin on my head and screamed ‘Gourdian Knot’. I couldn’t see anything but I got away with the goggles.”

“It didn’t have eye holes?” 

“It wasn’t a carved pumpkin, then, he just cut the bottom off a whole one the birds had dropped. I think I still have pumpkin seeds in my hair. Anyway, I got the goggles and the birds started to fly away. I heard some thumps and running and I couldn’t really take off the pumpkin if the pigeon lord was still around. Wade came back and cut some holes in the pumpkin.” 

“So, we still have a pigeon lord on the loose somewhere?” 

Peter sighed. “Yeah. We decided to call it a day.” Peter nudged the pumpkin pail with the gravel and the goggles with his foot. 

“And that’s why there are a thousand pictures of Spider-Man swinging through Manhattan with a jack o’ lantern on his head.” 

“I could say I was getting in the Halloween spirit on Instagram if that would help.” 

Tony pointed to the news feed playing in front of them. It was muted so Peter didn’t actually have to hear what JJ Jameson was saying but the bottom crawl helpfully told him that Spider-Man was now clearly in cahoots with the Green Goblin even wearing the villains signature pumpkin bomb look to show his allegiance. 

“I could find Green Goblin and beat him up.” 

Tony shook his head. “You know JJ would just spin it as a lover's quarrel with you as the betrayer.” 

Peter nodded. 

“Is your mask still in the nest?” Tony asked, switching gears. 

“Probably.” 

“Friday, bring up the audio and visual feeds from Peter’s mask.” 

The screen popped up showing a askew skyline. The sound kicked in with a coo coo coo so deep it could have come from the depths of hell. 

Tony rubbed his forehead. “Tomorrow?”

“Tomorrow.” Peter agreed.

**Author's Note:**

> I had a lot of fun writing this ridiculous story. I hope you enjoyed it too.


End file.
